As usual

So when I thought of Motivation looking at this picture I'd say YES that's what motivation feels like. Minus the actual shark. So this morning started off pretty emotional, it pretty much picked up right where I left off last night. Talking to Betty #1, I then found myself in TEARS! I had to stop and say a quick prayer. And wouldn't you know it I started to feel better. AND THEN!!!!! My cousin Nae Instant Messages me. (BIG SMILE!) We started with our normal hellos, but by the end of our convo my heart was beating and I was feeling like YES! I CAN DO THIS! Talking to her helped me to refocus all that emotion I was feeling this morning into something positive. Despite everything else I have going on this evening, I plan to work it out in my living whether its Opening my Jillian Michaels DVD, catching an On Demand routine, or playing a game on my xBox... There are jewels in men (people) everywhere you look. Betty #1 & Nae you've both built me up this morning when I was so emotionally down it wasn't even funny. Thank you so much... I truly appreciate you.

Now back to that picture... Now I cant swim, but I bet you if that was me in that boat some how my boat would grow legs, learn how to walk on top of water and run at the speed of lightning carrying me OUT OF THERE! I love sharks, I think they're fascinating, BUT I never wanna meet one face on this side of the System of things.

Thursday February 16th

OK so, I've been STRESSED OUT! I was doing good there for a minute. Working out every three or four days (at the least). Body was shaping ( not losing) nicely LOL! But the past week so far I have not exercised at all. TEARS! The ridiculousness that has been my life over the past four days has been like WHOA! I have found myself putting everything WRONG in my mouth and then skipping meals. I'm sure my sugar levels have been all over the place. I now understand why its bad to starve yourself. I couldn't understand it while I was growing up. All I could understand was that I lost weight when I did it. Eating meant gaining, Starving meant control, and a smaller me. Oh well, now I'm just trying to get a grip if you will. I made sure I ate breakfast and lunch... now I make no guarantees about dinner. I will have to do a system check in a minute. But its not looking too good on the dinner front. If I feel a little hungry then I'll eat, but only if I feel a little hungry. Trying not to over or under eat as a way to self medicate. This is NOT easy, or fun.... I cant even really concentrate on a meal plan. But maybe since everything is so crazy right now that's exactly what I should do. Concentrate on the things I can control. Like what I put in my mouth. Yea, that's sounding good to me right. Cause I know I cant control the way people act that's for sure.

Thursday Feb 9th

Boom! Boom! BOOM! Smiles!

So I've only been doing a little, but a little is better than none right. I've been exercising a little and I'm sorry I had to smile this morning when I put on my jeans. My life long friend is returning to me. I used to HATE her when I was younger, and then she became a source of power. Then she left me, then she came back, and then she left me again. Now I can see her coming back to me. For a minute there I was trying to convince myself that her absence was a good thing. PAH-LEASE!!!! You cant go from having a big and beautiful butt to flat as a board and act like you're OK with it. I'm sorry it just doesn't work. I know my mentor is telling me to work on my core, because YES it does need a lot of work. But I want my butt back! So I will do the core exercises, but I'm gonna make sure I get my gluts in there as well. Its about to be so ON when my butt is back! LOL! I don't know if I'll know how to act! Loving her and appreciating her I WILL! I know some people hate theirs but it took me a while to appreciate certain aspects of myself. I'm constantly a work in progress, and the loss of this attribute has plagued me for some time. Now with that said, my diet hasn't been great... I gotta get that under control. If I can get my eating under control and keep up the exercising I just might see some real results.

SUNDAY February 5th

So to my surprise I came home determined to exercise. And then even further to my surprise my family was actually somewhat supportive of me monopolizing the television for 50 minutes to exercise. So my mentor gave me an idea of what would be a good exercise routine. I plan to give it a real good go... No actually this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to not talk about it so much. So as you can see, there will not be daily updates from me. When I need to rejoice or share my joy I will come here. When I feel like I'm in the depths of despair I will come here. But its working for me not to share on a day to day basis. I gotta stop talking about it and be about it.

I came back from vacation five pounds lighter. I tell you never discount running around Disneyland all day while too broke to indulge in all the delicacies is not a bad way to lose a little. LOL!

Core Workouts For Women

So it appears that I'm now getting a little mentoring help. My mentor sent me this link to try at home. These exercises look AWESOME! I will be trying this possibly tomorrow or Tuesday! Check it out.

Thursday January 26th

OK so, we are at the day before my journey to Southern California. I have been in so many knots the past few days that my appetite all the sudden disappeared. Weird Hun... I don't think its a good thing for it to happen like this. As when I get home I'm hungry. But even then I've eaten very little. How has the scale responded to this chaos? Well this morning it said "OK, I'll stop going in the wrong direction. BUT, you know when this is all over you and I are gonna tussle right!!!!" I have to finish packing tonight, and pray myself to sleep. I have been eating breakfast over the past week and not much else after that. Weird right? Well let me tell you one thing weirder. I was starting to get a little hungry and then Mister Man called me. After talking to him I was no longer hungry. I thought about that effect only for a moment then I went on with my day. I think that's when my appetite started going away. Oh well, not gonna complain about the affect. This weekend I think its pretty safe to say that I will not be on a diet of any sort. I will enjoy myself and then once AGAIN... its on when I get home.

Monday Janurary 23rd

OK so, I'm sitting here feeling defeated. I possess no real gumption to get up do anything. I think setting dates for myself is like shooting myself in the foot. I know that I don't respond well to put downs. You know how someone (an idiot if you ask me) says that if they tell you negative things you're supposed to strive to prove them wrong? I don't work that way and never have. Actually I think only a small percentage of the world's population actually works that way. BUT "they" would like to believe that everyone fits into this category... NOT!
Sitting here right now, I'm knocking on my heaviest weight on the scale ever. I need to block everyone and everything out of my mind. I'm wondering if this blog could be toxic for me too? I don't know... But I leave Friday for my trip and as if right on schedule I'm PMS'ing like you wouldn't believe. My PMS isn't exactly bite your head off and snap at the world, although I do that sometimes. My PMS is more or less, depression, and darkness. I feel so defeated right now. Like its beyond me to make even the simplest things happen. I know that once I have a pep talk with myself, I can convince myself that its in my power to make this happen. I know that I am my BIGGEST cheerleader. And really I can only really depend on myself. This is all in my head, once I set my mind to it I can do it. So why cant I set my mind to it? Something's blocking me... I gotta figure out what that is and then delete it from my life. Oh agony! Sad times! I guess!