Every Day I'm struggling!

So I sent a few of my family and friends the Fitness Pal app. Only my Soul Sistah Number One accepted my offering and plea for help. Sometimes I feel..... I know I shouldn't, but my imperfection leads to feel like.... naw why go there.

I cant stay in this funk... I didn't eat crazy but I didn't follow my plan today... oh well. Such is life. I got a whole bunch of cakes to make and I don't know how I'm gonna manage being on my program and making these cakes. I made Sweet Potato Casserole this weekend. As I reorganized two of my kitchen cabinets. That did make me feel better about that aspect of my living space. I gotta keep that going.
Meanwhile we went walking up and down Moeser Lane. We walked about two miles of Steep hillside. Yes, today I am sore, and its wonderful! But I wanna go back. We'll see if I will be able to manage it. Maybe I'll take the puppy for a walk this evening....

Tuesday March 27th

OK so, it wasn't my fault. I had an excellent Tuesday - Friday, but the weekend came and I caved. I completely messed up! Gotta start over, did OK today and yesterday. But I'm feeling the guilt. Oh well, here's to starting over.

Thursday, March 22nd

OK so I'm back. I found a lovely app on my phone "My Fitness Pal" that makes me feel good every time I enter my food choices for the day. Its say if you continue to eat this way you should weigh about XX in five weeks. That's is so encouraging to read, and a little moral booster at the end of the day. Like for example. I did good yesterday until I got home. I had to do hair, and it left me no time to figure out what I was going to eat for dinner. So my mother who was tired from her day lovingly went into the kitchen and made dinner for everyone. Mashed Potatoes, Fried chicken, and i think corn. Well I didn't want any chicken, but my mother knowing that I ONLY eat white meat chicken made sure she fried a chicken breast for me. I could see the tired in her eyes when she came out the kitchen. I don't know about you but I could not let my mother's labor of love go unnoticed or unappreciated just because of what I'm doing. So later that night I ate the chicken she made for me put about 2 tablespoons of potatoes with it and ate it. I was so afraid to see what the calorie count was going to look like that I didn't do anything last night. This morning I entered the info into the calculator and it still congratulated me. YAY me! Yep its the simple things that make you feel better.So today with renewed faith in my day it has gone pretty good. it hasn't been a week yet, but so far I am loving this app.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

Mentally I started feeling a lot better Monday night which is when I looked at this app and actually opened it on my phone. I have been experiencing better days since then. Yes, its only Thursday, but a good day is a good day. Hoping to start over with renewed faith and strength from within... HELLO LIZZY'S COMING!

Joy 2 da Nae

OK so lately, I haven't just fallen off the wagon. Can you say I took my oozy out and shot it up! (Can you tell I know nothing about guns? LOL!) But I have been communicating daily with my love Nae! Daily she asks me what I'm eating and knowing that I'm supposed to do better but wasn't, I would openly tell her what I ate or was going to eat. Although she would never say anything judgmental and she would just continue the conversation, yesterday I got sick of it. That, and a wonderful trip to the head doctor, I can feel myself renewing. Thus far, there has been no nonsense on my part. The only thing I haven't done is exercise. But... I will worry about that part tomorrow.

One of my favorite all time favorite trainers Bob Harper is selling his workout DVDs for $5 (reg. $19.99) on his website. So I ordered 9 out of 10 of them. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little excited about having Bob in my home.

My other all time favorite trainer is Jillian Michaels. I have to admit, the show has not been the same with out her. I loved how she was able to point out and get the message out there, that every overweight person is not lazy. And outside of bad health issues, the road block to physical health is 9 times out of 10 mental. So many people suffer from one trauma or another, and without the proper education and empowerment they feel helpless and unworthy of what we all deserve.And there's something about knowing that she previously went through the same mental anguish that helps me in my journey.

I will admit that life has thrown me a couple of curve balls lately. But none of them excuse the fact that I lost my focus. I lost sight of my goal and I fell fast, back into my old habits. It seems like so long ago when I would check myself and ask whenever I felt hungry, "what are you hungry for"? Or sometimes with me it was the opposite, "why aren't you hungry, what are you trying to control"? Sometimes the only control you have is over what you put in your mouth. So I would not eat..... not eat...... not eat..... and then by the time I finally ate, it was the worst empty calorie food and not a small portion.
I cant have people in my life who make me feel powerless. I'm learning to accept this, and that is such a HARD pill to swallow as I love so many of them dearly. But I gotta let go on the relationships that hurt. I have so much that I have to let go of.
Like the fact that my friend is gone, and its not being disloyal to her not to be angry with her hubby's choice to move on. Although I don't have to like it, I don't have to let it eat me up inside like it has been doing. Its his life and he has to live it. I gotta let it go, hopefully no one tries to talk to me about it though. It just seems to make things worse. As no one sees it the way I do. (insert sad face here)

As usual

So when I thought of Motivation looking at this picture I'd say YES that's what motivation feels like. Minus the actual shark. So this morning started off pretty emotional, it pretty much picked up right where I left off last night. Talking to Betty #1, I then found myself in TEARS! I had to stop and say a quick prayer. And wouldn't you know it I started to feel better. AND THEN!!!!! My cousin Nae Instant Messages me. (BIG SMILE!) We started with our normal hellos, but by the end of our convo my heart was beating and I was feeling like YES! I CAN DO THIS! Talking to her helped me to refocus all that emotion I was feeling this morning into something positive. Despite everything else I have going on this evening, I plan to work it out in my living whether its Opening my Jillian Michaels DVD, catching an On Demand routine, or playing a game on my xBox... There are jewels in men (people) everywhere you look. Betty #1 & Nae you've both built me up this morning when I was so emotionally down it wasn't even funny. Thank you so much... I truly appreciate you.

Now back to that picture... Now I cant swim, but I bet you if that was me in that boat some how my boat would grow legs, learn how to walk on top of water and run at the speed of lightning carrying me OUT OF THERE! I love sharks, I think they're fascinating, BUT I never wanna meet one face on this side of the System of things.

Thursday February 16th

OK so, I've been STRESSED OUT! I was doing good there for a minute. Working out every three or four days (at the least). Body was shaping ( not losing) nicely LOL! But the past week so far I have not exercised at all. TEARS! The ridiculousness that has been my life over the past four days has been like WHOA! I have found myself putting everything WRONG in my mouth and then skipping meals. I'm sure my sugar levels have been all over the place. I now understand why its bad to starve yourself. I couldn't understand it while I was growing up. All I could understand was that I lost weight when I did it. Eating meant gaining, Starving meant control, and a smaller me. Oh well, now I'm just trying to get a grip if you will. I made sure I ate breakfast and lunch... now I make no guarantees about dinner. I will have to do a system check in a minute. But its not looking too good on the dinner front. If I feel a little hungry then I'll eat, but only if I feel a little hungry. Trying not to over or under eat as a way to self medicate. This is NOT easy, or fun.... I cant even really concentrate on a meal plan. But maybe since everything is so crazy right now that's exactly what I should do. Concentrate on the things I can control. Like what I put in my mouth. Yea, that's sounding good to me right. Cause I know I cant control the way people act that's for sure.

Thursday Feb 9th

Boom! Boom! BOOM! Smiles!

So I've only been doing a little, but a little is better than none right. I've been exercising a little and I'm sorry I had to smile this morning when I put on my jeans. My life long friend is returning to me. I used to HATE her when I was younger, and then she became a source of power. Then she left me, then she came back, and then she left me again. Now I can see her coming back to me. For a minute there I was trying to convince myself that her absence was a good thing. PAH-LEASE!!!! You cant go from having a big and beautiful butt to flat as a board and act like you're OK with it. I'm sorry it just doesn't work. I know my mentor is telling me to work on my core, because YES it does need a lot of work. But I want my butt back! So I will do the core exercises, but I'm gonna make sure I get my gluts in there as well. Its about to be so ON when my butt is back! LOL! I don't know if I'll know how to act! Loving her and appreciating her I WILL! I know some people hate theirs but it took me a while to appreciate certain aspects of myself. I'm constantly a work in progress, and the loss of this attribute has plagued me for some time. Now with that said, my diet hasn't been great... I gotta get that under control. If I can get my eating under control and keep up the exercising I just might see some real results.