Starting Over, Something to look forward to

So it looks like I get to escape the realities of the Bay for a weekend. The dress code for most of the weekend is "No Jeans" YIKES! Thanks to Old Navy I actually have some jeans that I feel pretty good in. But now it appears as though I will have to go most of my weekend without them. YIKES! Praying for a miracle and determination, I have a goal to march to.
I'm going with three cousins, we're all single and all looking. It will be interesting to see how my two guy cousins approach the weekend. As for me and my cousin she and I, we're tight and will have our own fun even if no one else is. I gotta get it together right now. But tell me why the thought of pulling it all together makes me want something sweet. Self sabotage trying to win. I can and will beat this, I just gotta get it in my head like I did last time. Once I was dialed in it didn't matter what the world around me did, I was on point. Here we go again.

Starting Over

MAJOR derailment! I'll call it a case of the MAJOR PMS! No, no, no excuses. I know what food choices I made. I wont blame the food or the program. I'm off from work this week. And I have been on vacation from everything. I'm gonna do better today, and I'm gonna get it together. I will not bore with you with all my lovely indugences. But let's just say when a snickers looks irresistible to me I shouldve known.

This morning I had Blackberries, vanilla yogurt, and granola for breakfast. I have leftover Ethiopian food (Awaze Tibs & Doro Tibs, I ate all the Kitfo Special at the restaurant) that I may eat for lunch. Yummy! Good thing is that Ethiopian food is for the most part is "healthy"... that's the way I'm writing it in my book. SMILES! Honestly that's the way it was sold to me anyways. Dont know what's up for dinner.

How are you spending your day?

Wednesday 12/21/11

OK so, its post 42nd Anniversary dinner. Outside of my load garlic mashed potatoes nothing else tasted as I remembered slash imagined that they would. It was all good, but not as divinely good as I played it out in my head. Does that ever happen to you? You start feeling like you're being denied certain things and you may even feel entitled to have. Then you have them and then feel like something was missing???? Or maybe it was just better in your head. The cheesecake wasn't even as good as I remembered it. But that's good because then I wont feel bad passing them up in the future.

So this morning I had my last chocolate chocolate chip muffin for a while. Lunch I'm having salad... I have no idea what's gonna happen for dinner. Probably leftovers. Tomorrow is a new day. Take it or lose it, I'm moving forward.

TUESDAY 12/20/11

So lets just say you know its gonna be a bad day when you walk in and you see something like this on the share table. Oh my goodness! SERIOUSLY!!!!!

Believe it or not yesterday wasn't so bad. I had my muffin in the morning, and then my leftovers for lunch. A pink grapefruit for snack, and then more leftovers for dinner. Oh and I had a fudge Popsicle for dessert. And then this morning when I stepped on the scale, to my surprise YAY! Some of the damage had been undone. Now I think that's because my muffin was my only bad thing, I didn't over indulge in anything else.

There's no point in listing today's meal plan... its going DOWN! LOL! But I'll loop back around tomorrow... I hope. LOL! Until then tell me how you're holding up this lovely winter's day?

MONDAY 12/19/11

My oh my! What a weekend so let me say first off. That the dinner went smashingly well. Everyone had a lovely time, and they ate until they couldn't eat any more. There was plenty of room for everyone to sit comfortably, and there were no problems with everyone paying their own way for the bill. I ate everything I wanted to eat, and had a good time with my family. Wonderful!

Sunday morning I step on the scale and I said OUCH! This morning I stepped on the scale and I think I cried a little bit on the inside. But honestly although the 12th was my day to get on it, my official start day is on the 21st. No, no see I'm not back peddling, its just that it was unreasonable to think that things wouldn't turn out this way with all that I had planned. If I hadn't started on the 12th today would be MUCH worse. So I'm thankful and glad.

Saturday morning I found a random picture of me last year in October, when I was moving full speed ahead. I could see the difference in my face. Yes, I had on makeup on top of everything else, but I could see that my cheeks were not as BIG when I smiled in the pictures. As it stands right now, when I smile, my cheeks puff up and almost cover my eyes. An exaggeration, but its true. Muffy Cheekies! Yep I got them. I need to find a way to put that picture of me up as motivation to keep moving forward.

I did not have a healthy or nutritious breakfast but it was yummy. I had a Chocolate Muffin.... YUM! I love them and I used to eat them daily. Now only when I crave them really, if then. But yesterday my child asked for them so I bought them. And I wanted one.... OK two, so I brought them to work so I could have one today and one tomorrow as my last hooray.

I know none of this is in harmony with the goal of this blog. But I am a real person. I will not whine about how today and tomorrow affect the scale. I know what food choices I'm making and I know how they affect me. I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. For lunch I eat leftovers from dinner last night. And for dinner I may eat a little more  leftovers. I will to the best of my abilities avoid the Red Velvet Cake in the office. But hey I am only human. LOL! I hope when I look back on this post I laugh because I have come so far that things like today are a distant memory.

Saturday I randomly ran into a girl who like me had put on some weight. But she worked to get it off, and it has been some years now and she's maintaining it off. I told Jennifer she looked good. And she does. When I asked her many moons ago how she did it. She said she was going to be in a wedding and that was her original motivation. She dropped the weight and she works out regularly to maintain her weight. She made it sound easy, but I know its not.

One of the reasons I LOVE Jillian Michaels is because she made sure the world understood that being overweight isn't always about a person being lazy. That's the picture the world likes to pick like you're lazy, if you just got up and got mobile you wouldn't be over weight. And where that's true with some folks that's not true with everyone. Yes, she would bully you in the gym. But she would also talk to you, help you tap into your disconnect and then motivate you to move past it.

So what's my story? Why do I think I am the way I am? Well my therapist said that a lot of people who have my past end up promiscuous, others cover theirself in weight or other distracting appearances to attempt to be invisible to the world. I SO agree with that statement. As you will see, one of my fears is the attention that comes with looking good. Now, I have come to understand that I'm not ugly or even close to it. And that I deserve to shine as the natural beauty that I am. But it seems that all my life the wrong people have take notice of my beauty and abused me for it. I dont want the attention of the jerks. As it stands right now, the jerks dont hide their malfunctions from me cause they dont consider me as an option. I see how they put on aires infront of girls, like this way or that. And then when she's completely gone, BAM they show their true self. I dont want to be that victim anymore. BUt I'm tired of this fat suit. My therapist is REALLY helping me to understand myslef and to not feel like a deer caught in headlights when it comes to the jerks. What can I say, I'm a work in progress. I truly believe once you know better you do better. So, I'm trying to know better to be a better me. I'm a work in progress...

FRIDAY 12/16/11

OK so, I guess all three faces can and do apply. Yesterday was just not a "good" day. In case you didn't notice yesterday morning I wasn't too happy about myself. My mood did kind of lift by mid-day and by the evening I was feeling pretty normal. But like I said I was feeling kind of full from breakfast and then when I ate lunch I ate a BIG ole salad, I ate mainly the broth of this soup. I did indulge in two small pieces of foccacia bread, but ask me if I cared at that point? Oh and I did have some Soft serve... There's only so much beating myself I can do on any given day... well at least on this issue. Then I remembered that I cant really expect FANTASTIC results this week. I'm going out to eat tomorrow, and Tuesday I will not be making a figure friendly meal. So you know what it is what it is. I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm gonna enjoy myself and try my best to be OK with my choices.

I went by the health food store yesterday to get some more tea. AW! Yes! The tea, I haven't told you about that part yet, have I?

I found that the tea is a very important part of my journey not to be taken for granted. Now I profess to be of the colon-ly challenged. I have to drink large quantities of water to move. But even then I'm not moving like I should. I tell you eating properly surely did help A LOT! However I needed that extra something to get things a little more regulated. So at least twice a week I drank my tea at night... Um yea! Can you say feeling clean. My skin improved and everything. So yes, this will be a part of my regiment as well. I get mine from the local health food store. But you can order it online if isn't available where you are. http://www.tripleleaf-tea.com/index.htm Also, I purchased a supplement. "Super Omega 3 - 6 - 9". What is it you ask. Its Borage, Flax Seed, and Fish oil. Now I have a laundry list of the benefits of Flax Seed by it's self supplies. I don't eat fish so I definitely need the benefits of all three oils. I will post info about each oil shortly.

So this morning I had only the yogurt thingy. I plan on eating as much of my fruit as I can, and you know what. Tonight I just might have a burger. I don't know. But we'll see. Wednesday is actual "GO TIME!" and that's when I'll be all over it. But as of today... over it!

Changes in my body:
My stomach is actually going down. YES! THANK YOU!

So how are you holding up today?

Fat Smash

Here's the plan that I will be following once all the festivities are out of the way. This program is awesome and I'm learning a lot about my body and how it responds to different foods while following this plan. I love it because I don't have to count calories. I would definitely tell a friend i.e. loved one to check it out.

THURSDAY 12/15/11

Start with a Fizzle and end with a bang... Well what can I say? The ginger bread men were back. But I didn't eat any to my surprise. I ate lunch as planned. Even ate a sensible dinner (more lentils) but here's the hiccup my lovely little sister bought me some salt water peppermint taffy. A month or so ago, I bought a bag and put it out in my candy dish for everyone to have one from time to time. Well my nephews saw me put it out. A couple days later I decided I wanted to taste it and of course the bowl was empty. I didn't say anything as I didn't need to eat it, but I guess my sister saw the whole thing and wanted to make sure she got me some more. I'm assuming, because I haven't told her anything about this new endeavor of mine, so how would she know I didn't need to have it. Not thinking about it I emptied the bag into my service bag. And I didn't think anything of it until I had two pieces already. YIKES! Then during service I popped another in my mouth again not thinking about it.



PLUS! I didn't go on my walk yesterday. It was too cold in the morning and the last thing on my mind in the afternoon. So I failed myself again. Three pieces of candy caused the scale not move even an ounce this morning.



Suck it up right? I kind feel defeated at the moment. I know its just a temporary set back and I just need to keep it going from here on but I feel really defeated. I know I'll snap out of it. Maybe I should find somethings I wrote when I gun-ho last year to help me refocus. I gotta get my head back in the game today.

So I had exactly the same breakfast today that I had yesterday, no need to re-list it. I'm gonna have lunch with my cuzzo, but we're going to a salad bar... YES! I'll gorge on veggies there, and stick to drinking water instead of getting a juice. Hopefully there will be some lentils left when I get home. But if I still feel like this when I get home I might just go to bed. Not feeling all that great about myself at the moment. Of course the issue is bigger than not losing even an ounce. But that's not what this blog is for, so I digress.



Looking for inspiration.... Can you give me any?

WEDNESDAY 12/13/11

So of course my day yesterday did not go according to plan, but it wasn't the worst day yet. OK so Trader Joe's has these Gingerbread man cookies, have you had them? Those little suckers are SO GOOD! I've bought them twice and put them out to share. And sad to say if they looked like this I don't think that would stop me from eating them:

It would just make my munching that much more funny to me if nothing else. LOL! But I had my breakfast as planned, was snacking on my grapefruit when my bladder demanded to be empty (happens to me all the time) and I walk past the sharing table and there they are (cue the glorious music). Spicy ginger bread goodness piled up in the middle of the table. Again I told myself don't do it, be strong. Every time I went to the bathroom there they were saying just try one. Please otherwise we would be here for nothing. Do you know that made me kind of run past the table. Whatever it takes right? Right! So I was VERY proud of myself for not touching the cookies. This  morning the scale only yielded ounces for my obedience, but HEY! I'll take whatever I can get. I started working on my spreadsheet yesterday, I almost have it set up the way I want it. So in between everything else I'll be working on that today. Oh and drinking more water. Let's get it in and let's get it done, right!

So for today I ate my banana mashed up with nasty oatmeal. A meatless sausage link (I need some more egg whites), and yogurt with fresh berries, flax seed meal, and granola. I actually feel a little on the full side. Yay! I know to in order to move this along a lot faster I need to go out there and face the cold... but it looks COLD out there. I remember it wasn't so bad once I got out there, but my body is begging me not to subject it to such cold elements. Oh what to do, what to do... we'll see how the day goes. There's nothing that says I cant go in the afternoon once its warmed up some. Hmmmm, I'll see.

Well I guess this is enough of me, how are you keeping it tight today?

TUESDAY December 13th

Since I wont post my weight on here, I guess I need to create another spread sheet so that I can keep track of my actual weight on there. Yesterday did not go according to plan as much as I would've liked, but it wasn't the worse and I'm not gonna stress about it. So you wanna know what happened....



Someone bought cookies and then put them out on the sharing table we have in the office. I walk pass that table nine hundred times a day to go to the bathroom. I was successful until my 798th time and then I ate one cookie. I know, I know... and then at home someone bought a pumpkin pie



Not to be confused with Sweet Potato but it was still calling me just because I wasn't supposed to have any. So I cut a tiny little sliver of the pie as opposed to my normal hunk and savored the flavor. Then I realized it wasn't all that good and I should've just gone without it. Oh well tomorrow (or today) I will be wiser. And no, no xBox work out last night.

So this morning I had egg whites, meatless Italian sausage, and vanilla yogurt with blackberries, raspberries, and granola. I'm gonna start my water earlier today in hopes of consuming more during the course of the day. Armed with fruit and veggies I hope to have a much better day today. BUT on the up side the scale was still very kind to me this morning.



So I am happy. I'm gonna kick it up this week in hopes of a really nice week total... Today I feel pretty positive that I can reach my goal. I just gotta remember to take it moment by moment.

MONDAY 12/12/11

Hello All,

So I stepped on the scale this morning and I screamed. (Internally) Yep, all my weight is back and I'm almost back to my heaviest weight ever. So this resolve came right on time.



So this resolve has come right on time. And of course because I'm making this consciences effort I already feel the struggle within. Although I knew I wasn't supposed to eat bread today I was going to have two slices of buttered whole wheat Tuscan bread with my breakfast, but wouldn't you know the loaf spoiled. So I just had turkey bacon and egg whites.
Two hours later I'm HUNGRY so I talked my friend into walking with me to Trader Joe's and I bought the following:

Pink Grapefruit
Apples
Bananas
Blackberries
Raspberries
Flax seed Meal
Meatless Italian sausage
Vanilla Yogurt
Pecan Praline Granola
Grapes
Electrolyte enhanced water

Now I know you looked at the Pecan Praline Granola and said.... HEY!!!! She cant do that! But let me tell you something. I DO NOT LIKE OATS, GRANOLA, and anything OATY! So yes, in order to make this work I had to throw some candied pecans on top of my yogurt to make it more filling.
I just ate a cup of that with some berries... and wouldn't you know it feels like I haven't eaten anything. Now I know part of this is in my head. Because when I'm in a good place, food is one of my last concerns, and I barely eat. But since I'm not in the happiest place in my life right now, the hunger pains hit me like birthing pains. You moms know what I'm talking about. What I haven't done is drunken a real amount of water yet. I drank a cup of Mint Medley Herbal tea this morning with my egg whites (no sugar, because that's how I roll LOL!) but my body doesn't feel like I've drunken anything if I drink any less than a liter and a half of water a day.
I've noticed that when I drink the right amount of water in the day I don't feel as thick. Besides all they had to tell me is that by drinking water it helps (I do mean ONLY helps) to reduce your level on that high blood pressure scale. PLUS in order for your colon to function properly it needs plenty no I mean PLENTY of water. And since I tend to be part of the colon challenged folks I need all the help I can get.
Now I plan to stick to fruits and veggies for the rest of the day. I have some lentil soup in the fridge that I will be eating for lunch. And when I get home I plan on drinking a Monster Green Smoothie and eating some more lentils.
I cant make any Xbox promises tonight as I don't leave my system out daily. Each time I use it I have to connect it and then disconnect it. Its the only way I can ensure that it wont get mysteriously broken by the numerous mischievous folks I have in my house. I plan to try to get some exercise in this evening, but we'll see.
Already the candy and breads have been calling my name, but this is for the greater good. I guess I will take a picture tonight to mark my beginning. Depending on how terrible it is I will debate on whether or not to post it.

First goal

Here's my first goal, and its a simple one... I must drink at least one Monster Green Smoothie this weekend.

And get at least one game of Dance Central on my xBox.

The Beginning

Hello I created this blog to whine, kick, and scream about my journey to a healthier me. Last year April 2010, I started off with a BANG! My friend gave me a copy of Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Diet, and I soared with it. I called it a program as it represented a life change for me not just a diet. At one point I was down 35lbs but I kept fluctuating at 30 lbs. I felt good, and I was looking good (if I do say so myself). But I got scared, and discouraged. There was a lot of turmoil going on in my life suddenly, and it was easier to be angry with someone than it was to focus on my program. Well needless to say it's December and I have gained all my weight back.
So as I have been saying over and over again, I will start a new on Monday. But this time you're gonna hold me accountable for my actions. Yes, I will be dramatic, and whine a lot. But don't let me get away with it. Don't let me slide. I have to get back on track, and as a added incentive or bonus if you will. I want to go on vacation in a few months. I want to not only feel good, I want to look good as well.

Monday December 12th will mark Day 1! Altho I wont tell you my exact weight I will update you regularly on my progress and my fails. I will be as honest as I possibly can be with you. I need your help. Not only do I need this for me I need this for my family.

My goal, I need to lose 92lbs. I know that's a big number, but if I break it down to the food choices I make within that moment, that will affect the ounces I lose, which add up to pounds, which add up to meeting my goal. I don't want to set a date as it may take me some time, but lets see if I can get half way there in six months. So on June 12th I plan to be as close to 46lbs down as I can be. I know this wont be easy, but it shouldn't be as tortuous as I make it out to be in my mind. (See, the dramatics already.) If I focus and harness my energy in a positive way I should be able to achieve my goal.

Are you with me? Keep me focused!