My oh my! What a weekend so let me say first off. That the dinner went smashingly well. Everyone had a lovely time, and they ate until they couldn't eat any more. There was plenty of room for everyone to sit comfortably, and there were no problems with everyone paying their own way for the bill. I ate everything I wanted to eat, and had a good time with my family. Wonderful!
Sunday morning I step on the scale and I said OUCH! This morning I stepped on the scale and I think I cried a little bit on the inside. But honestly although the 12th was my day to get on it, my official start day is on the 21st. No, no see I'm not back peddling, its just that it was unreasonable to think that things wouldn't turn out this way with all that I had planned. If I hadn't started on the 12th today would be MUCH worse. So I'm thankful and glad.
Saturday morning I found a random picture of me last year in October, when I was moving full speed ahead. I could see the difference in my face. Yes, I had on makeup on top of everything else, but I could see that my cheeks were not as BIG when I smiled in the pictures. As it stands right now, when I smile, my cheeks puff up and almost cover my eyes. An exaggeration, but its true. Muffy Cheekies! Yep I got them. I need to find a way to put that picture of me up as motivation to keep moving forward.
I did not have a healthy or nutritious breakfast but it was yummy. I had a Chocolate Muffin.... YUM! I love them and I used to eat them daily. Now only when I crave them really, if then. But yesterday my child asked for them so I bought them. And I wanted one.... OK two, so I brought them to work so I could have one today and one tomorrow as my last hooray.
I know none of this is in harmony with the goal of this blog. But I am a real person. I will not whine about how today and tomorrow affect the scale. I know what food choices I'm making and I know how they affect me. I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. For lunch I eat leftovers from dinner last night. And for dinner I may eat a little more leftovers. I will to the best of my abilities avoid the Red Velvet Cake in the office. But hey I am only human. LOL! I hope when I look back on this post I laugh because I have come so far that things like today are a distant memory.
Saturday I randomly ran into a girl who like me had put on some weight. But she worked to get it off, and it has been some years now and she's maintaining it off. I told Jennifer she looked good. And she does. When I asked her many moons ago how she did it. She said she was going to be in a wedding and that was her original motivation. She dropped the weight and she works out regularly to maintain her weight. She made it sound easy, but I know its not.
One of the reasons I LOVE Jillian Michaels is because she made sure the world understood that being overweight isn't always about a person being lazy. That's the picture the world likes to pick like you're lazy, if you just got up and got mobile you wouldn't be over weight. And where that's true with some folks that's not true with everyone. Yes, she would bully you in the gym. But she would also talk to you, help you tap into your disconnect and then motivate you to move past it.
So what's my story? Why do I think I am the way I am? Well my therapist said that a lot of people who have my past end up promiscuous, others cover theirself in weight or other distracting appearances to attempt to be invisible to the world. I SO agree with that statement. As you will see, one of my fears is the attention that comes with looking good. Now, I have come to understand that I'm not ugly or even close to it. And that I deserve to shine as the natural beauty that I am. But it seems that all my life the wrong people have take notice of my beauty and abused me for it. I dont want the attention of the jerks. As it stands right now, the jerks dont hide their malfunctions from me cause they dont consider me as an option. I see how they put on aires infront of girls, like this way or that. And then when she's completely gone, BAM they show their true self. I dont want to be that victim anymore. BUt I'm tired of this fat suit. My therapist is REALLY helping me to understand myslef and to not feel like a deer caught in headlights when it comes to the jerks. What can I say, I'm a work in progress. I truly believe once you know better you do better. So, I'm trying to know better to be a better me. I'm a work in progress...
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